Good Things, Joy and the Heartache

 Dear Mom and Dad,

I got a new job.  It's at a law firm in Sundance Square.  I know you'd be so proud.  Dad, I'm sure you'd have come to lunch with me a LOT.  Mom, I'm not walking the mall, but I'm walking around downtown every day at lunch.  The scenery is better and the temptation to drain my pocketbook at Bath & Body Works isn't there. Dad, I stole the photos from your office.  They are here at my office.  Mom, I did the same with your photos.  Now I can see you guys every day when I'm here.  I have my degree and certificates on the wall also.  Everyone here is SO amazing.  I even have a bed here for the dogs, should I ever choose to bring them here.  I can see the fountains in the plaza and even on the 9th floor, my window opens, so that I can let the breeze in, or just listen to the sounds of the water and people.

Tomorrow is the induction ceremony for Phi Theta Kappa, Beta Delta Omicron Chapter of Honor Society.  I'm so excited.  Even my boss is coming.  I wish I could look out and see your faces in the crowd.  I would love for you to meet Prof. B.  I had him for most of my classes and in my hardest moments, he pushed me to keep going.  He probably doesn't even know how much he helped.

I walked the stage in May.  Brandi and Chris walked with me as we made our way through the cattle call.  It was soooo much fun!  Momma and Brad sat with Ryan in the stands.  It was too hot to take photos that day, so now that it's gotten cooler out, we are going to go to the water gardens and the courthouse to take photos.  

I know the house is a disaster right now.  I will get that taken care of.  It's just too hard right now.

There is so much more, I'm sure.  I just can't think of it at the moment.

It hurts.  I know you are in a much better place now, but I'm angry at times.  I didn't have enough time.  You never taught me how to live without you.  You never prepared me for just how much this would hurt.  I'm angry because if y'all hadn't been so stinking stubborn, you'd probably still be here.  

I miss you.

I love you.

I hurt.

                                                                    Tina

The Constant Storm

This photo was taken on a sunny day in October, 2021 in the parking lot of the Tom Thumb in Pantego, Texas.

    I haven't written in a while.  I have another blog.  I don't feel as if this belongs there.  This post is hard.  It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write.  No, I'm sure every post will be hard to write.  

    On a beautiful sunny day in October, as I was heading to see my mom, I stopped at Tom Thumb for something....not too sure what now.  I saw this as I was coming out of the store and snapped a photo.  I've never seen something like this before and I thought about how beautiful it was.  When I pulled up at my mom's place, the hospice nurse was outside waiting for me.  In my heart, I already knew what she was going to say.  

    I called my sister, husband and my son.  If we were going to see her, it had to be now.  My dad couldn't come because he was in the hospital and thanks to covid, we couldn't go and pick him up without messing up his stuff.  We called my dad with FaceTime.  We all stayed for a while and talked to my mom.  

After a while everyone left and it was just my mom and I.  It's kind of fitting.  She and I were always together.  We were inseparable.  Where one of us was, usually the other was close at hand.  A little after 8 that evening, my mother took her last breath on this Earth and joined her parents and multitudes of cousins, aunts and uncles in Heaven.

    I called everyone, my dad, my sister, my husband, my son, his dad's family, my aunts and uncles, then our friends and my biological siblings.  I finally called my birthmother.  I think it was the next day.  That relationship is a story for another blog and time though.  It took several days for me to call everyone that I could think of.  

    Pain.  So much pain.  When you hear someone say that a broken heart hurts, you never think of the physical pain.  You just think that it's emotional and that someday, it will go away.  I've always lumped grief in with that.  There is a reason we have the word heartache.  It is a physical pain. Some days it's a dull ache and some days, there is a knife in there, and someone is just twisting it over and over.  The pain is so unbearable that it's hard to breathe.  You can't eat because the pain your feeling is so great that it makes you nauseous.  

    I've been told that the pain doesn't go away, it just hurts different over time.    I'm tired of the hurt.  It's not just hurt.  I'm angry too sometimes.  I'm angry because I'm not ready to live without her.  I'm angry because it hurts so much.  I'm angry because my life will forever be different and I don't want it to be.  I'm angry because the one person I called every day to talk about everything from big decisions to the most mundane chit chat, is gone.  She was my best friend, my ride or die, my person.

The posts that follow this will follow me as I navigate this journey.  

This is my story.  

This is my grief.